Before the BOOM

Ok so before we go into that day any further.. lets rewind... ALOT! 

I was in fourth grade when I got out of foster care. Foster care was HELL far worse than I ever remembered my home life to be. Those people were terrible! In 3rd grade I was washing my own dishes and laundry to earn tickets to buy my happy meal toys and Halloween candy. WHO DOES THAT?! If a child eats their happy mean it is common law they get the toy.. The rule is not nor has it ever been eat your happy mean and do your dishes and laundry for a week to receive your toy!!

Anyway so I'm like 9 years old and I'm starting school at David T Wilson. I'm a nervous wreck because... Well because I'm always a nervous wreck.. always have been. Since I was young I can remember mom introducing me to people as her "worry wart". I remember her constantly telling me to "worry about kid stuff" and let her tend to the adult issues.. 

One of the first people I met in Ms. Kelly's class was Christen Speaks. Little did I know this girl would be one of two people that got me through elementary school and middle school. Childhood was not easy for me. I don't remember it being awful until after foster care, but counselors say I may have blocked a lot of it out. That is common in children of trauma. Also I can remember in foster care constantly telling myself it was all just a dream and I was going to wake up in my room in my bed like normal. I had two good friends starting in elementary school Libby and Christen. If it was a vacation from school or weekend that I wasn't at my Nana's and PawPaw's house I was usually at one of these two girl's houses. It was so odd we were all such great, close friends. However, we couldn't all be best friends at the same time it was always me and Christen OR her and Libby OR me and Libby.

Anyways... Christen had an older brother... Cory... My gawd.. he was athletic, a "bad" boy with a smart mouth! He was quick witted and always had something sharp to say. He wasn't just an asshole though.. he was a goof on top.. He could make someone feel like complete dog shit and in the same breath turn around and make them laugh til they pissed their pants.. He was tall and built like crash bandicoot! Shoulders so broad make him look like he had chicken legs! But them deep brown eyes you could tell he been through some shit.. He was raised to be strong.. Emotionally and physically. He was conditioned for a tough life because the struggle was his coach.. No dad in the picture he was the man of the house. After his pawpaw passed he tried to balance being the man of the family and making pawpaw proud with the life of mischief and the tough persona he worked so hard on.. 

I annoyed Christen as we got older into middle school when I would be planning tocome stay.. I'd ask if Cory would be there and I could see it in her face it was a bad idea to dance with if I intended on keeping my friend.. Nothing ever came of me and Cory. Christen got pregnant in high school and our relationship got strained and eventually it was non existent..  I didn't even think he knew that I existed... But come to find out years later we were reunited and HE made the first move.. 

Earlier THAT day...

This is the post I made after we ate dinner/lunch that day for Thanksgiving. The last time I remember being truly happy. Everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. If I had a remote this would be the moment I would relive forever. Just rewind to this moment and hit pause. Live an eternity in the moment before my life was forever changed! Before going to bed I posted a picture of him, Summer, and I. I captioned the picture: Perfect ending to a perfect day! Little did I know he was broken inside. He needed me. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up to a BOOM I told myself it was just a firework.. But when I opened my eyes....

Home Sweet Hell

It was supposed to be our new beginning. I was so optimistic. I felt it in the core of my being. Something big was coming. We struggled a lot, but we were moving back to the county we grew up in. We would have more people to help us when we were struggling. We would be closer to our family. It was over, the storm had passed and we made it. If home was a feeling this was it.. We were finally home. We started going back to church. Nana was thrilled about us all going to church with her. The kids were happy. Things were going to start looking up.

Recent Realization Talking With Mainduh

March 22nd on Facebook Messenger

Me: I told him two days ago that I love Cory.. I'm losing my fuckin mind and the world just keeps spinning like nobody notices I'm half dead..

Mainduh: Yeah. I do notice and have noticed and all I wanted to do while you were at my house was take you everywhere just to make you happy and It did make a little of the hurt go away for a minute. But little spark of happy we get overwhelms me idk about you and then it's gone.

Me: I just don't wanna do this anymore.. I costed him his life in more than one way because I ran my mouth when he was down..  I feel that shit 10 fold now.. Here I sit wishing I could end it and just like him I got nobody talking me out of giving up.  Everyone sick of hearing it just like I was and his mom and sister were that night.

Mainduh: What HAPPENED TO OUR LIVES!?!?!

Me: Hell if I fucking know... I had everything i wanted.. My girls.. My home..  My working man.. My nana.. Stayin home with boogy.. And I hated every second of it.. Bitched about everything I had to do to keep my home happy.. And in an instant it all went to shit... Every bit of it.. And not even one thing at a time.. Not over time either.. I had a shitty day and I went the fuck off and then I woke up to a life worth hating.. Where the fuck is the god damn rewind button? He had bad days but that man seen thru me.. Seen my soul and he had so much good in him.. Nobody got to see that but me and his momma.. He shot him self because he could no longer provide a living for me, nana, the girls, and sweet Logan on the weekends.. He just wanted to be the man.. He wanted me to have a life where I cooked like my granny and kept a clean house and he where worked to provide all my desires.. The jeep was a piece of shit, but it was papaw Raley's and it meant more than gold like the stuff of Nana's Chris accidentally threw away r to me now... Priceless.. Then we move to Brandenburg so he can ride with tabby and the day b4 thanksgiving they got into it BAD on the way home.. He again had no way to work.. He felt like he failed me and it had him down..  It escalated quick but FUCK I didn't know... And now that entire fucking life is so far gone... And this one the one I'm left with my karma.. Ha.. 

Poem I wrote April 6, 2017 after EVERYTHING he left me?!?

I feel like I'm in a twilight zone.
This is not my life, this is not my home.
I'd love to run away but to where?
I'm looking around for someone to care...

Once again my life's fell apart,
I called it love and it broke my heart.
You're living it up with your downgraded girl.
And I'm stuck in this hell you made my world.

But everyday I try and hold my head high.
Go ahead and ask my why,
Because I'm holding it down without a man.
And my baby girls love me more than you can.

I don't have time to sit an cry over you,
Or to think about the shit you put me through.
I got bills to pay and mouths to feed.
I see clearly now, you're not someone I need.

I stood in a battle I didn't have to fight.
And the way you thanked me isn't alright.
It's alright though, I'm stronger than before.
And I pinky promise, you won't hurt me anymore

Welcome To My Life

So to briefly sum up who I am or what's left of me...I am 28 years old. I have two small children. Both are girls. Heaven Lee and Summer Rayne. I am currently unemployed. I do not talk to any of my family on a regular basis. I live in a town where I don't know anyone and I like it that way most days. I have one friend who I talk to on occasion. She has been my friend since middle school, but lately our relationship has become strained too. I don't have much to say to those who know me and most of them are tired of listening anyhow. I am a sucker for pain and a gluten for punishment and a magnet to chaos. You cannot make up the things that I encounter on a daily basis.... so buckle up and be prepared for anything!!

I have an Associates degree in Psychology from the University of Phoenix which I do not nor have I ever used. I am unemployed, but actively looking. I do not have a vehicle. I have a child who has no father.. I have no village.. I have very little... every day is a struggle. But I just keep on kicking. I don't know how or WHY I try most days, but I do. My best guess is my youngest daughter. Without me, she has nobody.. For her sake I know I have to at least try.

I grew up Christian but I don't really believe in all that stuff anymore. I believe in karma. Oh how I believe in karma. That bitch has taught me more than I ever wanted to know. The most important lesson the one that has affected my life the most is this... My karma for making someone feel like dying was better than living is feeling that same way... and the world just keeps spinning around me and nobody notices that I am half dead. As long as I have my baby girl.. I have a reason to hang on even if I am half gone.